From February, 2016

Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart

If I hear one more middle aged white person tell me how good I have it because I was born in the 90s, I’m going to literally barf so hard I shoot backwards across the room. Thank you, you reptilian artifact of a man, for letting me know I have it super easy as a broke Latina woman simply because I was born around the same time Clinton got inaugurated. My life’s a breeze. I’m being fed grapes as I type this. You are so right, Robert or Jeff or Helen or whatever your leathery name is, I am so…

8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

Girl on top? Excuse me, I signed up for sex, not CrossFit. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull this feat off is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, but come on. I’m not an Olympian. Doggy (Not with Labradors, but Two Overweight Pugs) I know porn tells us to arch our backs so far that we look like figure-skaters doing a Biellmann spin. However, porn also tells us we can pay pizza delivery…

What’s My Body Type Again?

If there is no advice on how to make myself look inoffensive to society because my baseline is already disgusting to the world, then do I just curl up into a ball and die?

Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job

I am absolutely flattered that your company has invited me over to meet the entire staff for my third interview, even though being in this stifling office makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I love the unnecessarily complicated lobby sign-in situation and the confusing elevator buttons that spell out STABME if you read them upside down, which I feel like I did because I had five shots of tequila before I got here. I don’t know what I did to make it this far in the process with my nearly excruciating level of disinterest in this position. The…