Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart

If I hear one more middle aged white person tell me how good I have it because I was born in the 90s, I’m going to literally barf so hard I shoot backwards across the room. Thank you, you reptilian artifact of a man, for letting me know I have it super easy as a … Continue reading Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart

An Open Letter to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti and Police Chief Charlie Beck

I am writing today, with random unnecessary commas, to voice my concern and outrage over the increasing rich people that go jogging at 6am that the city is faced with. I’ve been living in the neighborhood between Koreatown and Hollywood of Los Angeles for the entirety of my life because it was affordable for my … Continue reading An Open Letter to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti and Police Chief Charlie Beck

8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

Girl on top? Excuse me, I signed up for sex, not CrossFit. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull this feat off is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, … Continue reading 8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

9 Clickbait Headlines for the Soul (You Won’t Believe Number 7!)

This Adorable Little Girl is So Brave Because If I Had Her Life I Would Have Already Offed Myself Wait Until You See Where Your Favorite Child Stars’ Missing Limbs Are Now Ten Ways to Finger Your Own Ass (Number Six Made My Wife Leave Me) Watch What Happens When a Wall Street Analyst Begins … Continue reading 9 Clickbait Headlines for the Soul (You Won’t Believe Number 7!)

Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job

I am absolutely flattered that your company has invited me over to meet the entire staff for my third interview, even though being in this stifling office makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I love the unnecessarily complicated lobby sign-in situation and the confusing elevator buttons that spell out STABME if you read … Continue reading Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job