Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!

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Talking politics at brunch, because I’m fancy like that

Oh my gosh, have you guys seen the debates? So many of them. So many. It’s like, we get it, you know? Me? I tried watching one of the Democrat ones but then I got like, real bored, so I just kind of dozed off. But I’m keeping up on Twitter. That’s the power of social media.

Trump is like, so not good. He says all these words and I’m like, dude! And then the protestors at his rallies are like whoaaaa. People are punching people! Wow. And it’s like on Twitter? Unfathomable.

And Ted Cruz… he’s like so… ! You know? He’s just so….!

Marco Rubio kind of looks like one of my old professors. They’re both kind of hot in a confusing way. Not that I’m into Florida conservatives. I mean, Jeb’s a stone-cold silver fox if it was one of those foxes that a rich old lady turned into a fur and it got all matted through the years but I’m a child of immigrants so I find their views pretty messed up. It’s um, not okay that they have those views. It’s inc… incor… Hold on. *looks up incorrigible on phone* Yeah, it’s incorri… incorrigibalo.

Wait, who? Who the hell is Kasich?

Oh and the Democrats! Bernie vs. Hillary, wow. I mean, geez. Bernie says he’s going to do all these things, and then Hillary also says she’ll do things, and I’m like, what?!?! My friends are super into Bernie and many have implied that they will tie me up by my ankles and beat me like a piñata if I don’t vote for him. But Hillary has Katy Perry! I don’t know. Honestly I’m probably going to whisper “oh shoot” the day of the primary when I realize that I’ve forgotten and am too day-drunk to go. At least that’s the plan!

Politics are so *wrings hands in the air* but it’s also like *places a hand on each cheek while making whistling sound*, you know?

Anyway what’re you getting? I kind of want the crab cake benedict with bottomless mimosas. Gotta make this Groupon worth it, you know?

Originally published on Medium.

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