Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town

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Um, can you guys drop me off at my house before you start having intercourse?

Ugh, here we go. Your friend Tiffany’s boyfriend Jimmy is in town for this week. Ring the goddamn alarm.

You’ve known that he was coming into town this particular week because it’s all that Tiff has talked about for the past three months (you know, since the moment Jimmy left) and now he’s here. Too bad he left his personality behind in Buttfuck County or wherever it is that he came from.

You would be totally fine letting Tiffany have her week getting banged into oblivion but for some reason she keeps insisting that you all should hang out together so you can suffer through a forced conversation with a guy that’s either on his phone the entire time or secretly poking at your friend under the table. You would really rather be at home watching TV or hanging out with other friends but it seems like Tiffany needs to prove to you that Jimmy is worth it. So you crumble under the emotional blackmail and show up to the local Cheesecake Factory to endure an hour of conversation with Jimmy. Tiffany tries her absolute best to get words out of Jim, but it’s like talking to a wall that uses too much hair product. And he ate the entire effing bread basket by himself!

Jimmy makes Tiffany happy, somehow. There is a gleam of quiet desperation in her eyes when she tries to coax conversation out of him and she grimaces with embarrassment when he brings his guitar to public places but she does love him in her weird little way. She really lights up around him, I guess. Her facial expression is different than usual. That could also be the twitch in her eyes when he mentions how many songs he’s written. Tiffany tells you in a hushed tone later that he’s different around her than he is in public. You don’t know if she’s saying this to convince you or herself.

No, I’m not secretly in love with Tiffany, why do you ask?

Soon enough Tiffany will send you a text saying that she just dropped off Jimmy at the airport and you’ll look at the clouds in the sky and give them a thumbs up while bellowing “THANK YOU GOD!”. You’ll suspect that Tiffany is doing the same.


This post was originally published on Medium.

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