Future Movies


Someone get Dwayne The Rock Johnson on the phone right fucking now.


  • Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made
  • Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent
  • Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra
  • The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though they hate each other. Will Ferrell is most definitely in this


  • Daddy Issues — something about a dad being a model, or his daughter works at Vogue, I don’t fucking know. Dwayne Johnson plays Anna Wintour-esque character in a performance that will earn him a Teen Choice Award
  • The Groupie — Melissa McCarthy is a groupie for Mark Wahlberg’s band. She tries to bang him but it’s a joke because she’s not a supermodel. Shenanigans ensue. She poops in his trailer and the toilet gets clogged
  • Sugar — Anna Kendrick or other marketably quirky, attractive female tries to find a sugar daddy but ends up falling for a Male Friend Who Has Always Loved Her
  • Chode — a short but meaty romp

Gritty Action:

  • Barrel and Hammer — get it? Like a gun?
  • The Sting— we get to see Dwayne Johnson covered in sweat and grime which is always a treat. Wow, it just got really hot in here. I’ll be in the shower
  • Overture — doesn’t the title just sound like a guy with a buzzcut is going to uncover some kind of conspiracy?
  • Trigs — ex-Marine who is done (you hear it?! DONE!) with violence is pulled back in. And it turns out he is called Trigs… because he always pulls the trigger. Fuck!

Forgettable Drama:

  • The Papers — Loosely based on the Panama thingy but it’s not as good as it should be. The dialogue sounds like a concussed Sorkin impression
  • Miracle Creek — blind kid falls into a river and can see again. I don’t know. I am very drunk
  • Texts — beautiful Medium blogger’s boyfriend doesn’t text her back so she kills him… or does she? (She does)

For Kids:

  • Debby the Dinosaur — some suburban boy whose parents are divorcing (because of course they are) finds a dinosaur egg and, with the help of an eccentric janitor who was a scientist in his home country of Yugoslavia, hatches it
  • Some Adventure With White Kids — you know, creatures and shit. Offered in 3D, 4D, IMAX, etc. A guy at a laundromat tries to sell you a bootleg copy three days after it comes out
  • Irréversible — a remake of this film but with Disney actors. Why are you looking at me like that?

Those are my pitches. I will only accept offers over thirty million dollars. You’re welcome for my time.

Originally posted on Medium.


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