Help me out here, internet. I just called a grotesque lump of Play-Doh “beautiful” and she didn’t give me head. I don’t know what to do! I am such a good person. I mean, holy shit. I’m a saint! I just told this totally ugly fat chick that she’s beautiful. I’m totally getting into heaven. So why wouldn’t this fat fucking bitch blow me?
She was sitting at the bar, taking up a decent amount of space with her gigantic ass. She was with her friends, all of them thinner than her.Obviously she was the easiest target for me because her thin friends didn’t need validation the way that she did. I was going to swoop in like a hero and make her feel worthy of taking up as much oxygen as everyone else.
I approached her and let her know how I felt. “Hey. You’re beautiful,” I said, elbowing my way next to her, breathing the words in her ear. She brushed me off her ear and said, “Can you not get so close to me?” but I was prepared. I was expecting this. I knew she couldn’t handle male attention.The poor thing has probably never had her first kiss.
“It’s okay, honey. I like big girls,” I said, solidifying my place amongst feminist heroes like Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Dwayne The Rock Johnson. She raised her eyebrows at me and I knew this was my chance. She was looking straight at me, a little disgusted, but still looking at me! So naturally I said, “I hear big girls give really good head.” She took a long sip of her drink, presumably to keep her blood sugar at a level 700, and said, “Go bang your mom then,” while turning her back on me. I was shocked! That was just plain rude! I would never bang my mom! She’s had, like, seven babies and her gut’s saggy as shit. Also, you know, she’s my mother.
“You’re a fat ungrateful bitch,” I spat. She ignored me. I walked away becauseI’m a gentleman and I was kind enough not to pour a drink on her head.Didn’t I tell you I’m a good guy?
I am absolutely distraught about how I was treated. I mean, come on! I called her beautiful! I told her I liked big girls! She was being an obese motherfucking bitch! GOD WHAT A CUNT! FUCK! FUCK!!
I don’t know what to do. I am such a good guy to fat bitches who don’t deserve it. Can’t someone out there just blow me already?