10 Sex Positions For This Valentine’s Day

Bowling ball

Curl up into a ball, have your partner stick three fingers in you, and have them roll you down your hallway. What could go wrong?

*Erkel voice* Did Iiiiiii Do Thaaat?

Okay, so you licked your boyfriend’s butthole. It’s fine. It’s Valentine’s Day. You can’t spell “I have E. coli” without “love.”

Careless Whisper

This is when you massage their nether regions with your feet (cleats optional). Just be careful not to mash them. It’ll make you feel bad, and guilty feet have got no rhythm. Though it’s easy to pretend, I know you’re not a fool. Should’ve known better than to cheat a friend, and waste the chance that I’ve been given! So I’m never gonna dance again, the way I danced with youuuuuuuu…

Sia Music Video

In this position, you both wear nude leotards and rhythmically leap to and fro.

We’re Losing Him!!!

This is when you lie limp and your partner shocks you. I suggest nipple clamps attached to a toaster in the tub [Editor’s note: Please don’t do this] [Author’s note: You can’t stop me!]. Eat your heart out, Benjamin Franklin’s kite.

Pussy Hat

You know what to do. Just jam your whole head in there and wear her like a hat around town. Get in there!! For feminism.

Froggy

Like doggy, but the leapfrog edition. Fly, fly like an eagle!

Blue Man Group

Paint yourself blue, splash some paint on your partner, and bang on their butt in front of 500 people.

You’re A Wizard, Harry

Swish and flick. Swish and flick. It’s leviooooosa, not leviosaaaahhh.

So Are You Done Yet Or What?

Am I gonna be here all day? Are you like, close? Will you be done soon? I just don’t want to miss our dinner reservations! Also my vag feels like sandpaper and I’m 99% your dick is chafed at this point.

You are now armed with the knowledge to be a meganympho. You’re welcome. But if these positions weren’t enough for you (people have that much sex?), there’s always more at 8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers.

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