The News Workout

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in about four months (thank you, I’ll be signing autographs after this piece) and noticed there were TVs everywhere I looked. This didn’t bother me before and I could tune them out, but now everywhere I looked it was Trump, Trump, Trump.

I rolled my eyes, stepped on a treadmill, and turned the TV on my machine off. I began to jog, and realized I was staring myself in the eyes, a sad frame bobbing up and down, huffing and puffing. This was too existential for me, so I gave up and turned the TV on. I channel surfed but everywhere I looked it was Trump, old guys talking about uteruses, life insurance commercials, and Trump again. I decided to structure a workout around this. If you can’t beat them, then use them for your fitness!

Trump — Running (Cardio)

Trump is everywhere. Trump is on your machine, and the machine next to yours, and on the machines in front of you. Oh god, you can’t escape him. He’s everywhere! EVERYWHERE! RUN! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

Trump Again — Squats (Resistance)

Trump is an ass. Therefore, you will work on your ass. While staring him right in the face. Lock eyes with the orange one. Now drop that booty. Practice resistance while resisting his regime. Oh yeah. These glutes go deep.

Do They Ever Stop Talking About Trump — Pelvis (Resistance)

If your pussy grabs back, it must be strong. It must be a bodybuilder pussy. This pussy is the junglecat of pussies. I’m going to type pussy again. Pussy. I’m going to go take a shower now.

Panel of Old White Guys — Marathon (Cardio)

Unlike Trump, these guys have been in the political game forever. Therefore it is not about the speed with which you fight them, but your stamina. These guys will always be there, and fighting them is a marathon. Jog until your legs feel weak and numb, just like these old guys’ souls.

Alt-Right Features — Boxing (Cardio and Resistance)

When the alt-right is on TV, just punch it out. Punch the shit out of whatever is in front of you. Best case scenario is that a punching bag is in front of you, worst case scenario would be a small kitten. Do not punch the kitten. You’re not a sociopath, unlike members of the alt-right.

Commercial Break — Catch your breath

Oh good, commercials are on. Slow down. Catch your breath. Cry a little. Eat a Twinkie.

Any Mention of Tomi Lahren — Swimming (Cardio)

Let the water wash over you. Especially your ears. As a matter of fact, try to get water in your ears on purpose. Anything to drown out Lahren. Get an ear infection! Otitis media is better than Tomi Lahren media.

Someone Making Some Damn Sense For Once — Cooldown

Finally, someone making some damn sense! Your heart rate can finally go down now. Slow to a walk, stretch, drink some water. Be careful though; you could be at the gym for 6–7 hours before someone starts making some damn sense. Be sure to leave quickly after cooling down because soon enough, it’ll start all over again.

Anyway, there you have it! With this plan, you will lose so much weight that you’ll float up to outer space and never have to deal with Trump again. Success!


This piece was originally published on Bullshitist.

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