LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Ellie Guzman was observed this Friday nodding and smiling as her friends judged her life choices. Shortly thereafter, she received a call from the mayor’s office offering her the Key to the City for astounding bravery.
“It’s so crazy,” said Ellie’s friend from college Jenny, dabbing at a single tear. “Ellie’s bravery is insane. We were all circled around her telling her she’s making this mistake and that one and also that one and she just kept nodding. It was the bravest thing I’ve ever seen.”
According to witness reports, Ellie and her friends were talking about boys and Ellie was asked what her situation was. When she answered honestly that she and her recent ex were working things out, it is reported that “those bitches went crazy”, per an anonymous source. This was when the act of great bravery occurred: Ellie smiled and nodded for approximately forty-five minutes as the group laid into her over and over again when they, in fact, do not know jack shit about anything.
“We all thought she’d crack,” sighed Linda, Ellie’s friend who hasn’t been in a relationship for more than five minutes and doesn’t know her ass from her forehead, “but she just kept nodding and smiling. At one point she even stood up, still smiling, grabbed a bottle of Chardonnay from the fridge, opened it, sat back down, and began drinking from it like a baby bottle.”
“It was the ballsiest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Thomas, a man who’s never met Ellie but was listening through the thin apartment walls. “When the barrage of aggressive comments finally died down, Ellie changed the subject by bringing up that her parents were painting their apartment. She was immediately questioned and given the third degree for her living situation and financial choices. Then she just began smiling and nodding again. No one knew she had the stamina.”
When asked why this attack took place at all, the witnesses were at a loss. Finally, Thomas’s voice piped up from the peephole he’s constructed connecting his apartment to the girls’ home. “It kept going because they would rather look outward than inward. Also, they’ve watched The Notebooklike seventeen times each so they think that makes them some kind of love expert, even though they have no idea what a real long-term relationship looks like because the longest record they have is maybe a 6 month long friends with benefits thing, let alone seven years. Also they love Ellie, and she loves them, but they should just take the frickin hint and drop it when it’s clear that she neither wants nor needs their opinions. Just like, talk about other stuff that isn’t boys. Pass the Bechdel test, you know?”
Ellie herself was unavailable for comment at this time because she was off somewhere having raucous and mind-blowing intercourse.
Ellie Guzman’s debut book, From Rags to Different Rags, is available for preorder here for $10. The book is a collection of funny essays on being a broke, first-generation, Latina young woman in wealthy spaces, from private school to the entertainment industry. She only has until July 26th to get this thing published so go go go go! Yay!