Move over Richard and Mildred Loving, we’ve got a new pair of star-crossed lovers to celebrate!
Local circlejerker Derek UpperDecker just made waves on Instagram by posting an image of his curvy but in a good way (don’t say fat!!! NOBODY SAY FAT!) wife with the most loving caption. As a matter of fact, he posts about her curves all the time: his description reads “husband to a curvy goddess” and every single post she’s in mentions only her curves. My, he has such a high level of focus for objectifying his chunky queen! Swoon!
Read the post below!
I love this woman and her curvy, fluffy, chunky, thick body. I’m not going to say fat. Fat is a bad word. Fat is for ugly people. Fat is for people from the midwest.
You know, I’ve always liked my ladies large and in charge. As a teen, I was often teased by my friends for my attraction to girls on the thicker side. I was oppressed, like I was Martin Luther King Jr or some amputee kid. I would compare my struggle to that of a woman of color, except that mine was worse.
I liked girls that were shorter and curvier, girls that the average (basic) bro might refer to as “chubby” or even “fat.” Ugh, there’s that word again! Fat! It disgusts me! It’s the worst insult on earth! Look, I’m so comfortable with my wife’s curvy body, but just don’t say fat. It makes me want to throw up. Also, notice my use of the word “bro”. I am so very ironic. By using the word bro in quotes, I’ve proven that I am not a bro. I am the omega.
To reiterate, I’m very different from normal people for liking her curvy body. Some may even call me a hero. I know I would.
As I became a man and started to educate myself on issues such as feminism (please hold your applause) and how the media marginalizes women by portraying a very narrow and very specific standard of beauty (thin, tall, lean) I realized how many men have bought into that lie. You noticed how I didn’t mention anything about racial underrepresentation in that? A man can only be so woke.
For me, there is nothing sexier than this woman right here: thick thighs, big booty, cute little side roll, etc. Noticed that I said she has a gigantic ass but as for her midsection, she only has the cute little side roll. I need me a size 16 ass with a size 10 waist. I don’t want to be dating some kind of morbidly obese whale monster. She needs to look like a figure eight or I’m packing up my shit and moving back home with mom and dad.
Her shape and size won’t be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan [please ignore this] but it’s the one featured in my life and in my heart. Thank you. I’ll take my cookie and trophy to go. I don’t want your praise. I just want your attention.
There’s nothing sexier to me than a woman who is both curvy and confident; this gorgeous girl I married fills out every inch of her jeans and is still the most beautiful one in the room. Yes, I said still for emphasis. I understand her girth is an undesirable trait, but I will fight for my right to pat myself on the back for daring to love her every motherfucking day. Yippeekiyay!!!!
Guys, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. Date a curvy chick. Use this mnemonic: propose to the adipose. Now you’ll never forget.
A real woman is not a porn star or a bikini mannequin or a movie character. She’s real. The other ones are figments of your imagination. There’s no way that girl in the bikini on the beach works Monday through Friday as a molecular biologist. It’s just not possible. When girls apply to college, their BMIs are jotted down, and then they’re sent down a tunnel into different life paths. It’s just like the movie Boss Baby.
My wife has beautiful stretch marks on her hips and cute little dimples on her booty. This is my second use of the word “little” in this post celebrating my big big bIG BIG GIGANTIC WIFE THAT I STILL LOVE. Girls, listen to me. I’m talking down to you; at least listen to what I have to say. Don’t ever fool yourself by thinking you have to fit a certain mold to be loved and appreciated. There is a guy out there who is going to celebrate you for exactly who you are, someone who will love you like I love my, uhh, my lil chubster. Blanking on her name right now. Anyway, a man will love you. And his name is me. Message me. Let me feed you breadsticks while you jack me off.
And ladies, one last thing. You’re welcome.
What a lovely essay from such a heroic man. On the scale of my own personal heroes, it’s 9/11 responders, Malala, people who wear leggings as pants, and Derek. If I ever found me a man like this, I would actually pretend to listen to him when he talks about his hopes and dreams. Ahhh.I’m gonna go sit on my dryer machine for a little while.