Earlier today, the board of directors of The Weinstein Company released a statement announcing that they have fired Harvey Weinstein, primarily because now his misconduct is, like, a whole thing.
Here is the statement in full:
“In light of new information about misconduct by Harvey Weinstein that has emerged in the past few days but that we’ve known about for over ten years, the directors of The Weinstein Company — Robert Weinstein (don’t worry about it), Lance Maerov, Richard Koenigsberg and Tarak Ben Ammar — have determined that this is kind of a big deal now. They have informed Harvey Weinstein that his employment with The Weinstein Company is terminated, effective immediately. It was really awkward, especially when he pulled out his dick and started jacking it all over the place. Like, the couch, the counter, the fridge, the Dyson Airblade. At one point he tried to plank on the ground and spin himself on it like a spinning top. It was… gross.”
“The misconduct has been an open secret in the company and frankly the industry for like, literally forever,” confirmed an anonymous source who could have been anyone working for the company or the film industry in general since pretty much everyone knew about it. “Oh and to be clear, by misconduct, I mean all the sexual violence, coercion, dehumanization of women, and similar Harvey shenanigans. What a silly goose.”
As for the perpetrator of the hour himself, he offered this apology:
“I came (that’s what she said!) of age in the 60’s and 70’s, when all the rules about behavior and workplaces were different. That was the culture then. A cartoon wolf would go AHOOOOOGA HONKA HONKA and I learned all I know from him.
I have since learned it’s not an excuse, in the office — or out of it. To anyone. But I kept doing it. For funsies.
I realized some time ago that I needed to be a better person and my interactions with the people I work with have changed. For example, I make sure to aim away from the lady in question when I finish jacking off in front of her while she’s crying.
I appreciate the way I’ve behaved with colleagues in the past has caused a lot of pain, and I sincerely apologize for it. SIKE! I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Though I’m trying to do better, I know I have a long way to go. But please don’t fire me. I’m old! Ooooh ooooh and I’m white! Oh and I’m a boy!
My journey now will be to learn about myself and conquer my demons, because this is ultimately about me. Over the last year I’ve asked Lisa Bloom to tutor me and she’s put together a team of people because we knew it was only a matter of time before I got in trouble for realsies. I’ve brought on therapists (who I am paying to tell me I am not a doodoo head) and I plan to take a leave of absence from my company and to deal with this issue head on, so I quit before you fire me, bitches! I so respect all women and regret what happened. Like, soooo totally brah. I hope that my actions will speak louder than words and that one day we will all be able to earn their trust and sit down together with Lisa to learn more. Right, Lisa? You’re taking care of this for me? Lisa? Where you going?
Jay Z wrote in 4:44 “That was your 21st birthday, you mature faster than me” which weirdly enough is exactly what I said to that intern I groped. I want a second chance in this community and I know they’ll give it to me because Roman Polanski Woody Allen Sean Penn Mel Gibson wheeee! That’s the PokeRap!
I have goals that are now priorities. I also have a rock that’s actually a keyholder, and a rash that’s contagious. Trust me, this isn’t an overnight process. I’ve been trying to do this for 10 years and this is a wake-up call, now that my job is actually finally in jeopardy. I cannot be more remorseful about having been caught.
I am going to need a place to channel that anger so I’ve decided that I’m going to give the NRA my full attention. Because that’s like, a thing you guys hate, right? Super convenient all those people just died. I hope Wayne LaPierre will enjoy his retirement party. I’m bringing him up because if a turd mentions another turd then the turdness is cancelled and everyone leaves me alone. Something about Trump. Oh, and women directors at USC! That’s a thing you white ladies love, right? While this might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. Kinda around the same time I brought on Lisa Bloom… Oh, and it will be named after my mom and I won’t disappoint her. Because I already have, since I’ve been doing this shit for like thirty years, before many of the women I pursued were even born.”
“To summarize Mr. Harvey’s statement,” offered his legal counsel, “Me baby. Me old baby now. Me old horny baby.”
Rumors indicate that the company is thinking of distancing itself from the Weinstein name and changing itself to something more generic. Popular choices within the company include “Show Me On The Doll Where He Touched You” and “The Pervert Emporium”. Anything they can come up with, from “Poop McNugget” to “Terryfold Licker,” would be less gross than Harvey Weinstein.