Hello ladies and other ladies. I am Colin Guzman. Please hold your applause.
I am excited to announce that I am running after a squirrel. Now I am running to the kitchen. Now I am running to the bathroom, and now the living room, and up the couch, and now I jumped off the couch, and now I’m running back to the kitchen. I am also running for president. Did someone just call me to the kitchen?
I am the first Chihuahua Terrier mix to run for higher office. Some would call me a hero, and I would disagree. I’m more of a legend, like Céline Dion or the Loch Ness Monster. Though I am small, I possess more political prowess in my floppy ear than most people possess in their whole body. So yeah. Burn.
How am I a political mastermind, you ask? Well:
- I always know the right thing to do when I want something (look adorable or bark until someone cries).
- I am good at charming townsfolk (they aren’t close enough to know that I’m an asshole).
- I know my country well (all the way from one block to the other block over there).
- I have killed many men.
- I am very “online”.
I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember, even since my human came home this evening. I also know that I am prepared, and I would do a much better job than most people. Think about it: humans have two hands. I have four paws. Humans have flat little butts. I have a tail and a butt that looks like a croissant when I lay down. Humans are picky. I will eat styrofoam until I throw up. I am what America needs.
A leader should be flexible, and I spend half the day with my head between my legs licking my own ass. That shows initiative.
A leader should be powerful. I’ll find a piece of stale bread on the street and chomp down on that sucker until they have to use the jaws of life to open my mouth. That shows strength.
A leader should be communicative. I take every opportunity to whine, bark, growl, or just do this face ^(-_-)v. Do you see my floppy ears? I’m an emoticon. Emoticons, texting, technology, communication.
I am a dog. I am a canine. I am getting tired. I am taking a nap. I am licking myself again.
I am… your only hope.