By Ellie Guzman

Future Movies

Action-Comedy: Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though they hate each other. Will Ferrell is most definitely in this Comedy: Daddy Issues — something about a dad being a model, or his daughter works at Vogue, I don’t fucking know. Dwayne Johnson plays Anna Wintour-esque character in a performance that will earn him a Teen…

Welcome To My Relationship

Oh hi! B and I really weren’t expecting anyone other than ourselves in our relationship, but make yourself at home, I guess. This is the Trophy Case of Previous Fights and Unresolved Issues. We used to keep it hidden away in the garage, but since everyone is always trying to get a peek of it we decided to move it to the living room because it’s something we have to live with. Our guests can glance at it from a comfortable distance, but don’t touch the glass. On the Wall of Memories there you can see all the pictures we’ve…

That Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney

Let’s jump right in. Act One: Setup I used to act in commercials as a kid, and this got me a nifty membership into the Screen Actors Guild. The years passed and I maintained my membership into my teenage years. When I was 19, I received a letter letting me know that I had been randomly chosen (after about 13 years of membership in SAG) to be part of the group that nominates movies for the awards. Every SAG member can vote for the SAG Awards, but only a few can nominate the movies that other members will ultimately vote…

Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town

Ugh, here we go. Your friend Tiffany’s boyfriend Jimmy is in town for this week. Ring the goddamn alarm. You’ve known that he was coming into town this particular week because it’s all that Tiff has talked about for the past three months (you know, since the moment Jimmy left) and now he’s here. Too bad he left his personality behind in Buttfuck County or wherever it is that he came from. You would be totally fine letting Tiffany have her week getting banged into oblivion but for some reason she keeps insisting that you all should hang out together…

Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!

Oh my gosh, have you guys seen the debates? So many of them. So many. It’s like, we get it, you know? Me? I tried watching one of the Democrat ones but then I got like, real bored, so I just kind of dozed off. But I’m keeping up on Twitter. That’s the power of social media. Trump is like, so not good. He says all these words and I’m like, dude! And then the protestors at his rallies are like whoaaaa. People are punching people! Wow. And it’s like on Twitter? Unfathomable. And Ted Cruz… he’s like so… ! You…

Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart

If I hear one more middle aged white person tell me how good I have it because I was born in the 90s, I’m going to literally barf so hard I shoot backwards across the room. Thank you, you reptilian artifact of a man, for letting me know I have it super easy as a broke Latina woman simply because I was born around the same time Clinton got inaugurated. My life’s a breeze. I’m being fed grapes as I type this. You are so right, Robert or Jeff or Helen or whatever your leathery name is, I am so…

8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

Girl on top? Excuse me, I signed up for sex, not CrossFit. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull this feat off is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, but come on. I’m not an Olympian. Doggy (Not with Labradors, but Two Overweight Pugs) I know porn tells us to arch our backs so far that we look like figure-skaters doing a Biellmann spin. However, porn also tells us we can pay pizza delivery…

What’s My Body Type Again?

If there is no advice on how to make myself look inoffensive to society because my baseline is already disgusting to the world, then do I just curl up into a ball and die?

Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job

I am absolutely flattered that your company has invited me over to meet the entire staff for my third interview, even though being in this stifling office makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I love the unnecessarily complicated lobby sign-in situation and the confusing elevator buttons that spell out STABME if you read them upside down, which I feel like I did because I had five shots of tequila before I got here. I don’t know what I did to make it this far in the process with my nearly excruciating level of disinterest in this position. The…