From Short Essay

On Smart, Virtuous, Good Women Versus Dumb, Sexual, Bad Women

Good women: intelligent. Virtuous. Feminine but not to a frivolous degree; well-manicured but would never own Hello Kitty pens and does not read gossip magazines. Loyal to her man. Goes to church, probably. In charge, but not too in charge. Bad women: stupid. Sleeps with whoever she wants; unlikely she’s in a committed relationship. Highly sexual. Extremely girly; she owns too many hair accessories and loves watching reality TV. If she’s in a position of power, she’s probably a bossy bitch with a shrill voice. Oh and she doesn’t deserve it, because of the aforementioned stupidity. We’ve all heard about…

What’s My Body Type Again?

If there is no advice on how to make myself look inoffensive to society because my baseline is already disgusting to the world, then do I just curl up into a ball and die?

Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job

I am absolutely flattered that your company has invited me over to meet the entire staff for my third interview, even though being in this stifling office makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I love the unnecessarily complicated lobby sign-in situation and the confusing elevator buttons that spell out STABME if you read them upside down, which I feel like I did because I had five shots of tequila before I got here. I don’t know what I did to make it this far in the process with my nearly excruciating level of disinterest in this position. The…