Hello ladies and other ladies. I am Colin Guzman. Please hold your applause. I am excited to announce that I am running after a squirrel. Now I am running to the kitchen. Now I am running to the bathroom, and now the living room, and up the couch, and now I jumped off the couch,…
Earlier today, the board of directors of The Weinstein Company released a statement announcing that they have fired Harvey Weinstein, primarily because now his misconduct is, like, a whole thing. Here is the statement in full: “In light of new information about misconduct by Harvey Weinstein that has emerged in the past few days but…
She’s fun. She’s hot. And she totally doesn’t mind you calling her a bitch. “It doesn’t bother me,” she says, taking a slow sip of her boyfriend’s favorite IPA that he recommended as he deemed her tequila sunrise “girly crap” even though it has a higher alcoholic percentage than his 7% batpiss. “Well Parvusisn’t really my boyfriend,”…
Move over Richard and Mildred Loving, we’ve got a new pair of star-crossed lovers to celebrate! Local circlejerker Derek UpperDecker just made waves on Instagram by posting an image of his curvy but in a good way (don’t say fat!!! NOBODY SAY FAT!) wife with the most loving caption. As a matter of fact, he posts about her curves all…
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Ellie Guzman was observed this Friday nodding and smiling as her friends judged her life choices. Shortly thereafter, she received a call from the mayor’s office offering her the Key to the City for astounding bravery. “It’s so crazy,” said Ellie’s friend from college Jenny, dabbing at a single tear. “Ellie’s bravery is insane.…
Hey you! Yes you! Life got you down? Thinking of doing a tequila enema?Threw your phone off a freeway bridge in an effort to avoid texting your ex, hit a police car’s windshield by accident, and now you can’t make bail? Does the metal underwire in your bra keep poking out and stabbing you in the armpit? It’s…
Back in February, during a two month period of unemployment, I joined a food delivery app as one of their couriers (let’s call them FoodMonkeys because that’s what I feel like) and this has been what I learned from a month as a FoodMonkey in Los Angeles. Ridiculous People Exist, They Are Out There And…
I’m a hot mess. I fully understand that this is what people call “being in your twenties” but I thought that since I have a paper from school that says I can read good, I should be able to avoid the hot messery. No dice! Still quite warmly disheveled. I don’t know how to be…
Help me out here, internet. I just called a grotesque lump of Play-Doh “beautiful” and she didn’t give me head. I don’t know what to do! I am such a good person. I mean, holy shit. I’m a saint! I just told this totally ugly fat chick that she’s beautiful. I’m totally getting into heaven. So why wouldn’t this fat fucking bitch blow me? She was sitting at the bar, taking up a decent amount of space with her gigantic ass. She was with her friends, all of them thinner than her.Obviously she was the easiest target for me because her thin…
There are some people you just can’t break up with. You know the ones: they won’t take a hint, they’re going through a major life trauma and you’re the bad guy if you dump them, they’ve got dirt on you and have a petty streak, etc. Sometimes you want them to dump you because all of the bad stuff is on their end, and if you dump them you become the bad guy and no siree, they are the bad guy and you want the world to know it! My boyfriend and I are the result of a failed “How…
