Writer
She’s fun. She’s hot. And she totally doesn’t mind you calling her a bitch. “It doesn’t bother me,” she says, taking a slow sip of her boyfriend’s favorite IPA that he recommended as he deemed her tequila sunrise “girly crap” even though it has a higher alcoholic percentage than his 7% batpiss. “Well Parvusisn’t really my boyfriend,” [...]
Move over Richard and Mildred Loving, we’ve got a new pair of star-crossed lovers to celebrate! Local circlejerker Derek UpperDecker just made waves on Instagram by posting an image of his curvy but in a good way (don’t say fat!!! NOBODY SAY FAT!) wife with the most loving caption. As a matter of fact, he posts about her curves all [...]
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Ellie Guzman was observed this Friday nodding and smiling as her friends judged her life choices. Shortly thereafter, she received a call from the mayor’s office offering her the Key to the City for astounding bravery. “It’s so crazy,” said Ellie’s friend from college Jenny, dabbing at a single tear. “Ellie’s bravery is insane. [...]
Hey you! Yes you! Life got you down? Thinking of doing a tequila enema?Threw your phone off a freeway bridge in an effort to avoid texting your ex, hit a police car’s windshield by accident, and now you can’t make bail? Does the metal underwire in your bra keep poking out and stabbing you in the armpit? It’s [...]
Last year, I worked as an ER medical scribe and was present for over three thousand patient encounters. I was there for cases with people who had chronic conditions, people who felt ill and brought themselves in, and other cases like heart attacks, gun shot wounds, strokes, and car accidents. While the patients were diverse, [...]
Back in February, during a two month period of unemployment, I joined a food delivery app as one of their couriers (let’s call them FoodMonkeys because that’s what I feel like) and this has been what I learned from a month as a FoodMonkey in Los Angeles. Ridiculous People Exist, They Are Out There And [...]
I’m overweight and I’m fat. It’s not a secret and I find it liberating to say (Your Fat Friend sums it up better than I ever could here). I’m currently at the biggest I’ve ever been, and it took me a lot of hard work to get here. I had an eating disorder growing up, [...]
I’m a hot mess. I fully understand that this is what people call “being in your twenties” but I thought that since I have a paper from school that says I can read good, I should be able to avoid the hot messery. No dice! Still quite warmly disheveled. I don’t know how to be [...]
I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in about four months (thank you, I’ll be signing autographs after this piece) and noticed there were TVs everywhere I looked. This didn’t bother me before and I could tune them out, but now everywhere I looked it was Trump, Trump, Trump. I rolled my [...]
Bowling ball Curl up into a ball, have your partner stick three fingers in you, and have them roll you down your hallway. What could go wrong? *Erkel voice* Did Iiiiiii Do Thaaat? Okay, so you licked your boyfriend’s butthole. It’s fine. It’s Valentine’s Day. You can’t spell “I have E. coli” without “love.” Careless Whisper [...]