Hello ladies and other ladies. I am Colin Guzman. Please hold your applause. I am excited to announce that I am running after a squirrel. Now I am running to the kitchen. Now I am running to the bathroom, and now the living room, and up the couch, and now I jumped off the couch,…
Earlier today, the board of directors of The Weinstein Company released a statement announcing that they have fired Harvey Weinstein, primarily because now his misconduct is, like, a whole thing. Here is the statement in full: “In light of new information about misconduct by Harvey Weinstein that has emerged in the past few days but…
She’s fun. She’s hot. And she totally doesn’t mind you calling her a bitch. “It doesn’t bother me,” she says, taking a slow sip of her boyfriend’s favorite IPA that he recommended as he deemed her tequila sunrise “girly crap” even though it has a higher alcoholic percentage than his 7% batpiss. “Well Parvus isn’t really my…
Hey you! Yes you! Life got you down? Thinking of doing a tequila enema? Threw your phone off a freeway bridge in an effort to avoid texting your ex, hit a police car’s windshield by accident, and now you can’t make bail? Does the metal underwire in your bra keep poking out and stabbing you in the armpit?…
Back in February, during a two month period of unemployment, I joined a food delivery app as one of their couriers (let’s call them FoodMonkeys because that’s what I feel like) and this has been what I learned from a month as a FoodMonkey in Los Angeles. Ridiculous People Exist, They Are Out There And…
I’m a hot mess. I fully understand that this is what people call “being in your twenties” but I thought that since I have a paper from school that says I can read good, I should be able to avoid the hot messery. No dice! Still quite warmly disheveled. I don’t know how to be…
There are some people you just can’t break up with. You know the ones: they won’t take a hint, they’re going through a major life trauma and you’re the bad guy if you dump them, they’ve got dirt on you and have a petty streak, etc. Sometimes you want them to dump you because all of the bad stuff is on their end, and if you dump them you become the bad guy and no siree, they are the bad guy and you want the world to know it! My boyfriend and I are the result of a failed “How…
Action-Comedy: Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though they hate each other. Will Ferrell is most definitely in this Comedy: Daddy Issues — something about a dad being a model, or his daughter works at Vogue, I don’t fucking know. Dwayne Johnson plays Anna Wintour-esque character in a performance that will earn him a Teen…
Oh my gosh, have you guys seen the debates? So many of them. So many. It’s like, we get it, you know? Me? I tried watching one of the Democrat ones but then I got like, real bored, so I just kind of dozed off. But I’m keeping up on Twitter. That’s the power of social media. Trump is like, so not good. He says all these words and I’m like, dude! And then the protestors at his rallies are like whoaaaa. People are punching people! Wow. And it’s like on Twitter? Unfathomable. And Ted Cruz… he’s like so… ! You…
If I hear one more middle aged white person tell me how good I have it because I was born in the 90s, I’m going to literally barf so hard I shoot backwards across the room. Thank you, you reptilian artifact of a man, for letting me know I have it super easy as a broke Latina woman simply because I was born around the same time Clinton got inaugurated. My life’s a breeze. I’m being fed grapes as I type this. You are so right, Robert or Jeff or Helen or whatever your leathery name is, I am so…
