10 Sex Positions For This Valentine’s Day

Bowling ball Curl up into a ball, have your partner stick three fingers in you, and have them roll you down your hallway. What could go wrong? *Erkel voice* Did Iiiiiii Do Thaaat? Okay, so you licked your boyfriend’s butthole. It’s fine. It’s Valentine’s Day. You can’t spell “I have E. coli” without “love.” Careless Whisper…

How Being A Nonfamous Child Actress Messed Me Up

It’s common to hear about child stars that became famous before they were ten years old and end up spreadeagled in front of a Hollywood nightclub a decade later, cameras shoved in their faces, bleached hair extensions clinging to them for dear life. Breakdowns and hot messes are so common that when a child star…

I Called A Disgusting Plus-Sized Woman Beautiful But She Still Didn’t Blow Me

Help me out here, internet. I just called a grotesque lump of Play-Doh “beautiful” and she didn’t give me head. I don’t know what to do! I am such a good person. I mean, holy shit. I’m a saint! I just told this totally ugly fat chick that she’s beautiful. I’m totally getting into heaven. So why wouldn’t this fat fucking bitch blow me? She was sitting at the bar, taking up a decent amount of space with her gigantic ass. She was with her friends, all of them thinner than her.Obviously she was the easiest target for me because her thin…

Ten Surefire Ways To Get Dumped

There are some people you just can’t break up with. You know the ones: they won’t take a hint, they’re going through a major life trauma and you’re the bad guy if you dump them, they’ve got dirt on you and have a petty streak, etc. Sometimes you want them to dump you because all of the bad stuff is on their end, and if you dump them you become the bad guy and no siree, they are the bad guy and you want the world to know it! My boyfriend and I are the result of a failed “How…

Future Movies

Action-Comedy: Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though they hate each other. Will Ferrell is most definitely in this Comedy: Daddy Issues — something about a dad being a model, or his daughter works at Vogue, I don’t fucking know. Dwayne Johnson plays Anna Wintour-esque character in a performance that will earn him a Teen…

Welcome To My Relationship

Oh hi! B and I really weren’t expecting anyone other than ourselves in our relationship, but make yourself at home, I guess. This is the Trophy Case of Previous Fights and Unresolved Issues. We used to keep it hidden away in the garage, but since everyone is always trying to get a peek of it we decided to move it to the living room because it’s something we have to live with. Our guests can glance at it from a comfortable distance, but don’t touch the glass. On the Wall of Memories there you can see all the pictures we’ve…

That Time I Was The Weird Kid At An Event With Bryan Cranston and George Clooney

Let’s jump right in. Act One: Setup I used to act in commercials as a kid, and this got me a nifty membership into the Screen Actors Guild. The years passed and I maintained my membership into my teenage years. When I was 19, I received a letter letting me know that I had been randomly chosen (after about 13 years of membership in SAG) to be part of the group that nominates movies for the awards. Every SAG member can vote for the SAG Awards, but only a few can nominate the movies that other members will ultimately vote…

Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town

Ugh, here we go. Your friend Tiffany’s boyfriend Jimmy is in town for this week. Ring the goddamn alarm. You’ve known that he was coming into town this particular week because it’s all that Tiff has talked about for the past three months (you know, since the moment Jimmy left) and now he’s here. Too bad he left his personality behind in Buttfuck County or wherever it is that he came from. You would be totally fine letting Tiffany have her week getting banged into oblivion but for some reason she keeps insisting that you all should hang out together…

Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!

Oh my gosh, have you guys seen the debates? So many of them. So many. It’s like, we get it, you know? Me? I tried watching one of the Democrat ones but then I got like, real bored, so I just kind of dozed off. But I’m keeping up on Twitter. That’s the power of social media. Trump is like, so not good. He says all these words and I’m like, dude! And then the protestors at his rallies are like whoaaaa. People are punching people! Wow. And it’s like on Twitter? Unfathomable. And Ted Cruz… he’s like so… ! You…

On Smart, Virtuous, Good Women Versus Dumb, Sexual, Bad Women

Good women: intelligent. Virtuous. Feminine but not to a frivolous degree; well-manicured but would never own Hello Kitty pens and does not read gossip magazines. Loyal to her man. Goes to church, probably. In charge, but not too in charge. Bad women: stupid. Sleeps with whoever she wants; unlikely she’s in a committed relationship. Highly sexual. Extremely girly; she owns too many hair accessories and loves watching reality TV. If she’s in a position of power, she’s probably a bossy bitch with a shrill voice. Oh and she doesn’t deserve it, because of the aforementioned stupidity. We’ve all heard about…