Oh God, It’s That Week When Your Friend’s Long Distance Boyfriend Is In Town

Ugh, here we go. Your friend Tiffany’s boyfriend Jimmy is in town for this week. Ring the goddamn alarm. You’ve known that he was coming into town this particular week because it’s all that Tiff has talked about for the past three months (you know, since the moment Jimmy left) and now he’s here. Too bad he left his personality behind in Buttfuck County or wherever it is that he came from. You would be totally fine letting Tiffany have her week getting banged into oblivion but for some reason she keeps insisting that you all should hang out together…

Of Course I Know Things About The 2016 Election. I’m Not An Animal!

Oh my gosh, have you guys seen the debates? So many of them. So many. It’s like, we get it, you know? Me? I tried watching one of the Democrat ones but then I got like, real bored, so I just kind of dozed off. But I’m keeping up on Twitter. That’s the power of social media. Trump is like, so not good. He says all these words and I’m like, dude! And then the protestors at his rallies are like whoaaaa. People are punching people! Wow. And it’s like on Twitter? Unfathomable. And Ted Cruz… he’s like so… ! You…

On Smart, Virtuous, Good Women Versus Dumb, Sexual, Bad Women

Good women: intelligent. Virtuous. Feminine but not to a frivolous degree; well-manicured but would never own Hello Kitty pens and does not read gossip magazines. Loyal to her man. Goes to church, probably. In charge, but not too in charge. Bad women: stupid. Sleeps with whoever she wants; unlikely she’s in a committed relationship. Highly sexual. Extremely girly; she owns too many hair accessories and loves watching reality TV. If she’s in a position of power, she’s probably a bossy bitch with a shrill voice. Oh and she doesn’t deserve it, because of the aforementioned stupidity. We’ve all heard about…

Clickbait Headlines Vol. II: 2 Fast 2 Clickbait

Five Sexy Ways to Tell Your Boyfriend He’s Not Your Real Dad This Man Drew a Face on His Thumb and What Happened Next is Devastating My Yoga Instructor Has Huge Balls and This is How I Found Out Clever Life Hack Helps Mom Successfully Abandon Her Kids at Mall Viral Video Shows Two Cartoon Characters Waiting for Godot Five Mind-Blowing Sex Tips for People Who Are Just Not Into It Anymore, Brad Quick Ten-Minute Easy Recipes for that Acid from Breaking Bad that Melts People’s Bodies Ten Ways to Stroll Through BevMo! And Not Indicate That You May Have…

Tell Me More About How Much You Hate Millennials, You Old Fart

If I hear one more middle aged white person tell me how good I have it because I was born in the 90s, I’m going to literally barf so hard I shoot backwards across the room. Thank you, you reptilian artifact of a man, for letting me know I have it super easy as a broke Latina woman simply because I was born around the same time Clinton got inaugurated. My life’s a breeze. I’m being fed grapes as I type this. You are so right, Robert or Jeff or Helen or whatever your leathery name is, I am so…

An Open Letter to L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti and Police Chief Charlie Beck

I am writing today, with random unnecessary commas, to voice my concern and outrage over the increasing rich people that go jogging at 6am that the city is faced with. I’ve been living in the neighborhood between Koreatown and Hollywood of Los Angeles for the entirety of my life because it was affordable for my family before gentrification and now our place is rent-controlled, and without a doubt it is the worst it has ever been because it is the nicest it has ever been. There’s Ubers everywhere and CrossFit studios are cropping up and even worse, people that go…

8 Sexual Positions for Underachievers

Girl on top? Excuse me, I signed up for sex, not CrossFit. My legs look and feel like two Twinkies that melted together so the only way I can pull this feat off is by squatting like I’m pooping in the woods. Pinterest told me to do squats in between commercial breaks to build endurance, but come on. I’m not an Olympian. Doggy (Not with Labradors, but Two Overweight Pugs) I know porn tells us to arch our backs so far that we look like figure-skaters doing a Biellmann spin. However, porn also tells us we can pay pizza delivery…

What’s My Body Type Again?

If there is no advice on how to make myself look inoffensive to society because my baseline is already disgusting to the world, then do I just curl up into a ball and die?

9 Clickbait Headlines for the Soul (You Won’t Believe Number 7!)

This Adorable Little Girl is So Brave Because If I Had Her Life I Would Have Already Offed Myself Wait Until You See Where Your Favorite Child Stars’ Missing Limbs Are Now Ten Ways to Finger Your Own Ass (Number Six Made My Wife Leave Me) Watch What Happens When a Wall Street Analyst Begins Treating His Cleaning Lady Like She’s a Person This Popular Hardcore Drug That Rhymes With “Track Tocaine” Might Be Making You Sick This Man Morphed Into a Giant Reptilian Creature for His Wife’s Birthday. What Happened Next Will Make You Want to Fuck a Lizard…

Please Give Me This Horrible Soul-Sucking Job

I am absolutely flattered that your company has invited me over to meet the entire staff for my third interview, even though being in this stifling office makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I love the unnecessarily complicated lobby sign-in situation and the confusing elevator buttons that spell out STABME if you read them upside down, which I feel like I did because I had five shots of tequila before I got here. I don’t know what I did to make it this far in the process with my nearly excruciating level of disinterest in this position. The…