Tagged Satire

Modern Cool Girl Doesn’t Mind Gender-Coded Insults

She’s fun. She’s hot. And she totally doesn’t mind you calling her a bitch. “It doesn’t bother me,” she says, taking a slow sip of her boyfriend’s favorite IPA that he recommended as he deemed her tequila sunrise “girly crap” even though it has a higher alcoholic percentage than his 7% batpiss. “Well Parvusisn’t really my boyfriend,”…

INCREDIBLE: Heroic Man Is Brave Enough to Love His Curvy Wife

Move over Richard and Mildred Loving, we’ve got a new pair of star-crossed lovers to celebrate! Local circlejerker Derek UpperDecker just made waves on Instagram by posting an image of his curvy but in a good way (don’t say fat!!! NOBODY SAY FAT!) wife with the most loving caption. As a matter of fact, he posts about her curves all…

Brave Woman Smiles and Nods As Her Personal Choices Are Criticized

LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Ellie Guzman was observed this Friday nodding and smiling as her friends judged her life choices. Shortly thereafter, she received a call from the mayor’s office offering her the Key to the City for astounding bravery. “It’s so crazy,” said Ellie’s friend from college Jenny, dabbing at a single tear. “Ellie’s bravery is insane.…

How to Be an Excellent Hot Mess in Three Easy Steps!

Hey you! Yes you! Life got you down? Thinking of doing a tequila enema?Threw your phone off a freeway bridge in an effort to avoid texting your ex, hit a police car’s windshield by accident, and now you can’t make bail? Does the metal underwire in your bra keep poking out and stabbing you in the armpit? It’s…

I’m Going To Pinterest DIY My Way To A Better Life

I’m a hot mess. I fully understand that this is what people call “being in your twenties” but I thought that since I have a paper from school that says I can read good, I should be able to avoid the hot messery. No dice! Still quite warmly disheveled. I don’t know how to be…

The News Workout

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in about four months (thank you, I’ll be signing autographs after this piece) and noticed there were TVs everywhere I looked. This didn’t bother me before and I could tune them out, but now everywhere I looked it was Trump, Trump, Trump. I rolled my…

I Called A Disgusting Plus-Sized Woman Beautiful But She Still Didn’t Blow Me

Help me out here, internet. I just called a grotesque lump of Play-Doh “beautiful” and she didn’t give me head. I don’t know what to do! I am such a good person. I mean, holy shit. I’m a saint! I just told this totally ugly fat chick that she’s beautiful. I’m totally getting into heaven. So why wouldn’t this fat fucking bitch blow me? She was sitting at the bar, taking up a decent amount of space with her gigantic ass. She was with her friends, all of them thinner than her.Obviously she was the easiest target for me because her thin…

Ten Surefire Ways To Get Dumped

There are some people you just can’t break up with. You know the ones: they won’t take a hint, they’re going through a major life trauma and you’re the bad guy if you dump them, they’ve got dirt on you and have a petty streak, etc. Sometimes you want them to dump you because all of the bad stuff is on their end, and if you dump them you become the bad guy and no siree, they are the bad guy and you want the world to know it! My boyfriend and I are the result of a failed “How…

Future Movies

Action-Comedy: Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though they hate each other. Will Ferrell is most definitely in this Comedy: Daddy Issues — something about a dad being a model, or his daughter works at Vogue, I don’t fucking know. Dwayne Johnson plays Anna Wintour-esque character in a performance that will earn him a Teen…