Company Fires Guy Who They’ve Been Protecting Until It Was, Like, Not Cool Anymore

Earlier today, the board of directors of The Weinstein Company released a statement announcing that they have fired Harvey Weinstein, primarily because now his misconduct is, like, a whole thing. Here is the statement in full: “In light of new information about misconduct by Harvey Weinstein that has emerged in the past few days but … Continue reading Company Fires Guy Who They’ve Been Protecting Until It Was, Like, Not Cool Anymore

Modern Cool Girl Doesn’t Mind Gender-Coded Insults

She’s fun. She’s hot. And she totally doesn’t mind you calling her a bitch. “It doesn’t bother me,” she says, taking a slow sip of her boyfriend’s favorite IPA that he recommended as he deemed her tequila sunrise “girly crap” even though it has a higher alcoholic percentage than his 7% batpiss. “Well Parvusisn’t really my boyfriend,” … Continue reading Modern Cool Girl Doesn’t Mind Gender-Coded Insults

INCREDIBLE: Heroic Man Is Brave Enough to Love His Curvy Wife

Move over Richard and Mildred Loving, we’ve got a new pair of star-crossed lovers to celebrate! Local circlejerker Derek UpperDecker just made waves on Instagram by posting an image of his curvy but in a good way (don’t say fat!!! NOBODY SAY FAT!) wife with the most loving caption. As a matter of fact, he posts about her curves all … Continue reading INCREDIBLE: Heroic Man Is Brave Enough to Love His Curvy Wife

Brave Woman Smiles and Nods As Her Personal Choices Are Criticized

LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Ellie Guzman was observed this Friday nodding and smiling as her friends judged her life choices. Shortly thereafter, she received a call from the mayor’s office offering her the Key to the City for astounding bravery. “It’s so crazy,” said Ellie’s friend from college Jenny, dabbing at a single tear. “Ellie’s bravery is insane. … Continue reading Brave Woman Smiles and Nods As Her Personal Choices Are Criticized

How to Be an Excellent Hot Mess in Three Easy Steps!

Hey you! Yes you! Life got you down? Thinking of doing a tequila enema?Threw your phone off a freeway bridge in an effort to avoid texting your ex, hit a police car’s windshield by accident, and now you can’t make bail? Does the metal underwire in your bra keep poking out and stabbing you in the armpit? It’s … Continue reading How to Be an Excellent Hot Mess in Three Easy Steps!

I’m Going To Pinterest DIY My Way To A Better Life

I’m a hot mess. I fully understand that this is what people call “being in your twenties” but I thought that since I have a paper from school that says I can read good, I should be able to avoid the hot messery. No dice! Still quite warmly disheveled. I don’t know how to be … Continue reading I’m Going To Pinterest DIY My Way To A Better Life

I Called A Disgusting Plus-Sized Woman Beautiful But She Still Didn’t Blow Me

Help me out here, internet. I just called a grotesque lump of Play-Doh “beautiful” and she didn’t give me head. I don’t know what to do! I am such a good person. I mean, holy shit. I’m a saint! I just told this totally ugly fat chick that she’s beautiful. I’m totally getting into heaven. So why … Continue reading I Called A Disgusting Plus-Sized Woman Beautiful But She Still Didn’t Blow Me

Ten Surefire Ways To Get Dumped

There are some people you just can’t break up with. You know the ones: they won’t take a hint, they’re going through a major life trauma and you’re the bad guy if you dump them, they’ve got dirt on you and have a petty streak, etc. Sometimes you want them to dump you because all … Continue reading Ten Surefire Ways To Get Dumped

Future Movies

Action-Comedy: Buff Daddy — this is probably already getting made Papa’s Got His Guns — the lead role will come down to who has the best agent Mr. Nice — he’s a substitute teacher by day, secret agent by night. He kicks ass and knows algebra The Sheriffs — some sheriffs from different towns have to work together to solve something even though … Continue reading Future Movies